


Reception in the Ball Pit

by trascendenza



Category: Psych
Genre: Character of Color, Emailfic, Epistolary, M/M, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-03
Updated: 2009-12-03
Packaged: 2017-10-11 10:24:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/111380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trascendenza/pseuds/trascendenza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where they get married. <em>Crime Scene/Christmas theme: fake blood encouraged, reindeer parking around back.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Reception in the Ball Pit

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to zvi and aithine for the betas. Any remaining mistakes are my own.

**From: **Shawnus Maximus, 10:22AM | **To: **Bruton Gaster, Jules, Lassieface, The Chief, Old Man, Gus' Dad, Gus' Mom, Buzzinator, Hornstockie, … (see more, 600 recipients total)   
**Subject: **Par-tay

December 25. Chuck-E-Cheese's (no children allowed, reception in the ball pit). Crime Scene/Christmas theme: fake blood encouraged, reindeer parking around back. 5PM, but get there early, because I'm going to start eating cake as soon as I wake up and you guys'll have to battle to the death for whatever's left. BYOB. And food. And chairs. Llamas, if you've got some lying around.

Be there or be a rhomboid-thing that all the other shapes make fun of.

H&amp;Ks,   
Shawn-almost-Guster

P.S. Oh, Jules, did I mention? We kinda put you down on the forms as the wedding planner. Hope that's not going to be a problem.

*

**From:** Burton Guster, 10:23AM | **To:** Foolius Maximus  
**Subject:** You're dead to me.

Only you, Shawn. Only you could ruin both my wedding *and* Christmas.

I hate you,   
Your soon-to-be-not-husband

*

**From:** Juliet O'Hara, 10:28AM | **To:** Shawn   
**Subject:** WHAT?

I AM ACTUALLY SO ANGRY AT YOU RIGHT NOW SHAWN THAT I CAN'T TURN OFF MY CAPSLOCK. IT'S STUCK! IN PURE RAGE! I MEAN, OF COURSE I'M HAPPY TO PLAN YOUR WEDDING. I'VE WAITED ALL MY LIFE TO BE ASKED TO PLAN SOMEONE'S WEDDING! NO, REALLY, THERE ARE DIARY ENTRIES FROM WHEN I WAS SIX. ANYWAY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? 23 DAYS TO PUT TOGETHER A CEREMONY AND A RECEPTION ON *CHRISTMAS*? COULD YOU HAVE PICKED A WORSE DATE?

I CAN'T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS! I'M GOING ON STRIKE!

\- JULIET

P.S. MAKE SURE YOU TWO ARE AT THE OFFICE AT THREE, I'VE GOT SOME CATALOGS TO DROP OFF.   
P.P.S. NO, I WILL NOT GET YOU A PERMIT FOR SANTA'S REINDEER. THEY DON'T EXIST, SHAWN, AND EVEN IF THEY DID, IT'S NOT LIKE SANTA WOULD JUST RENT THEM OUT TO ANYONE WILLY-NILLY, NOW WOULD HE?  
P.P.P.S. WHO'S CARRYING THE BOUQUET?

*

**From:** Lassiter, 10:28AM | **To:** The Fake-ic  
**Subject:** That's rich.

Curly and Mo are finally making it official. I suppose condolences for Guster's parents are in order.

I'll be featuring you two prominently on an informative brochure I'm putting together on the dangers of marriage. Be sure to smile pretty for the camera, now.

\-- Lassiter

*

**From:** Karen Vick, 10:29AM | **To:** Spencer, Guster  
**Subject:** Re: Par-tay

Assuming this isn't some elaborate hoax – I will not hesitate to kill you both if you ruin Christmas for my family and me, starting with you, Mr. Spencer – you have my congratulations and best wishes.

*

**From:** Henry Spencer, 10:31AM | **To:** Shawn  
**Subject:** I will not be a part of this.

If you think I'm wearing a tux to Chuck-E-Cheese's, you're an even bigger moron than you pretend to be. Plan a real wedding, jackass, and make sure you don't mess this up before Gus says "I do." You're not going to find anyone better.

Henry

*

**From:** Buzz, 10:31AM** | To:** Shawn Spencer!  
**Subject:** Re: Par-tay

This is so great!!! I'm so happy for you two!!!

And of course I'll be one of your bridesmaids, Shawn! I'm so excited!!! Do I get to wear a dress?

~ Buzz

 

* * *

**From: **Burton Guster, 10:45AM | **To: **Shawn, Juliet O'Hara, Carlton Lassiter, Karen Vick, Henry Spencer, Dad, Mom, Buzz, Adam Hornstock, … (see more, 600 recipients total)   
**Subject: **Re: Par-tay

I want you all to know that I loooooove Shawn ~*~*~*~*~SO MUCH~*~*~*~*~! I'm filled with so much love that it just flows right out of my eyeballs all day long, like pus, but a lot more romantic and less indicative of a bacterial infection. I just want to sit in my room all day drawing hearts around his handsome and rakish face! Oh, that hair.

Gussie

P.S. Mom, would mind baking us like a hundred of those amazing pot pies you make, with the little bits of magical bacon in the sauce? You can drop them off at Shawn's house any time.

*

**From: **Shawnus Maximus, 10:55AM | **To: **Bruton Gaster, Jules, Lassieface, The Chief, Old Man, Gus' Dad, Gus' Mom, Buzzinator, Hornstockie, … (see more, 600 recipients total)   
**Subject: **Re: Par-tay

Hi, my name is Shawn, and I hack into people's e-mails account and impersonate them, WHICH IS A FELONY, and I don't why anyone would want to marry me. I cried during the last episode of Blossom and my toenails are green. Please spread this information about me far and wide.

Shawn, Santa Barbara's Biggest Dumbass

P.S. My hair isn't nearly as awesome as I think it is. In fact, it's anti-awesome. Yes, I went there.

*

**From:** Shawn Squared, Which Is Like Shawn But Double the Fun, 11:03AM | **To:** Rastafarian Love Boat   
**Subject: **Anti-awesome? Really?

Wow, Gus. That was so far below the belt you actually pantsed me.

*

**From:** Juliet O'Hara, 11:04PM | **To:** Shawn, Carlton, Chief, Henry Spencer, Mr. Guster, Mrs. Guster, Buzz, adam.hornstock@gmail.com, … (see more, 600 recipients total)  
**Subject:** Re: Par-tay

I would like to clarify that the theme for the Guster/Spencer wedding will be Classic Noel. Think carnelian, myrtle, carmine, and veridian.

DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO SHAWN'S TWITTER, IT IS NOT ELVIS, TELETUBBIES, OR MIAMI VICE. AND THERE WILL *NOT*, I REPEAT NOT, BE CAGE MATCHES TO THE DEATH FOR CAKE.

\- Juliet

*

**From:** Shawn Squared, Which Is Like Shawn But Double the Fun, 11:05AM | **To:** Rastafarian Love Boat   
**Subject: **Re: You're dead to me.

**Attachment: **my vows of sweet flava.doc

How about now? Am I more like Zombie undead to you now?

Guaranteed to make your mom weep or your money back.

*

**From:** Burton Guster, 11:10AM | **To:** Shawn   
**Subject:** You're slightly less dead to me, and that's only because Philip Michael Thomas was a pretty fine brother back in the day and knew how to work those pecs.

2) Other than the part where you say "and I love you like an incredibly loving thing loves a thing that's really lovable and also has a magic head" (dude, perseverate much?), this is a 22-page review of the first season of Miami Vice. 12 of which are shirtless pictures of Tubbs and Crockett.

Your vows kind of suck like a sucking thing that sucks a lot,  
Glad I kept the receipt for the ring

*

_Guster-Spencer Registry_

Burton Guster:

[Cuisinart SM-PM Stand Mixer Attachment, Pasta Maker](http://www1.macys.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=243257&PseudoCat=se-xx-xx-xx.esn_results)   
[Steel Grid System](http://www.containerstore.com/shop/kitchen/pantryOrganizers/doorWallRacks?productId=10000728)   
[Ebelskiver Filled-Pancake Pan](http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/ebelskiver-filled-pancake-pan/?pkey=cspecialty-cookware|ckwsptbrk)   
[Guardian Gear Lined Cat Muzzle Med 6-12 Lbs](http://www.amazon.com/Guardian-Gear-Lined-Muzzle-6-12/dp/B000RRPVVE/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1258519607&sr=8-16)

_Shawn Spencer:_

[Real Genius](http://www.amazon.com/Real-Genius-Val-Kilmer/dp/B000065U1Q/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1258519288&sr=8-4)   
[Rocket Belt](http://www.tecaeromex.com/ingles/RB-i.htm)   
[Pleo](http://store.pleoworld.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=PleoWorld&Product_Code=INL-INNVOLABS-)   
[Elegant Baby Bath Set](http://www.amazon.com/Elegant-Baby-Bath-Toy-Set/dp/B0016N40BU/ref=sr_1_26?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1258519578&sr=1-26)   
[The Lost Boys (Special Edition)](http://www.amazon.com/Lost-Boys-Two-Disc-Special/dp/B00027JZ3E/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1258519486&sr=8-4)   
[RCA 52" Full 120Hz 1080p LCD HDTV - Black](http://www.target.com/TVs-50-Electronics/b/ref=sc_iw_r_1_1/175-9921176-0556930?node=383820011)   
[Ruffoni Copper Fondue Pot](http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/c167/?pkey=cspecialty-cookware|ckwsptfnd)

* * *

[EXCERPT, JULIET O'HARA'S tripod video taping of the procedures, entered into evidence 26 Dec 2008. Suspect visible in leftmost pew from the wall.]

GUS: [gape-mouthed] What the hell, Shawn?

SHAWN: [riding up aisle on some sort of vehicle, shouts over sound of "Mr. Roboto" blaring out of the stereos] I call him Manabot!

LASSITER: [holding Buzz's train, blinking] Is that a... Manatee?

BUZZ: [grinning] It's on wheels!

GUS: [head in hands] Oh my God.

O'HARA: [tears welling in eyes] Why is he doing this to me? What did I ever do to him other than plan the most amazingly color-coordinated and lace-filled wedding anyone could ever want?

*

[EXCERPT, JULIET O'HARA'S tripod video taping of the procedures, entered into evidence 26 Dec 2008. Identity of RABBI unconfirmed; suspected that SPENCER hired him from local theater.]

RABBI: Burton and Shawn have written their own vows. [steps back]

LASSITER: This should be good.

O'HARA: [hisses] Silence!

GUS: [clears throat] Ga-ga-ga-ga-gaaa. [adjusts tie] Hee-hee-hee-hee-heeee.

SHAWN: Dude.

GUS: [throws up hands] Shawn, you know you can't interrupt the warm-up. Now I have to start all over.

SHAWN: [leans against Manatee, sighing]

GUS: [pulls out notecards after finishing five-minute warm-up] Well, first, I'd like to thank Mrs. Hoshi from third grade, for helping me get into the Accelerated Young Learner's Program, and Mr. Janabin for approving my application to the Science Is Fun! Camp that next summer...

[ten minutes pass]

VICK: [Chin resting on hands and eyes wide open. Soft snoring sounds audible.]

[ten more minutes pass]

GUS: ...and that's why I love you, Shawn. Bottom line is, you're the person I want to wake up next to every morning, even if you do always eat onions right before bed and bake horrible crimes against cake and nature in your sleep.

SHAWN: Whatever, you know you love waking up to pineapple tuna meringue.

GUS: [looks nauseated]

RABBI: [coughs] Ahem. The ring, please.

JULIET: [steps forward, hands Gus ring]

GUS: [slips ring onto Shawn's finger with a smile] I want this to always remind you that I'm not going anywhere. No matter what.

SHAWN: Wow. Just. Wow. [Turns to audience.] Wasn't that great, folks? [Leads room in clapping. Gus frowns.] Really, first-rate delivery.

[Gus slaps Shawn on shoulder.]

SHAWN: Right, right. My turn. [Pushes button on Manatee.]

MANATEE: GUS, I AM YOUR FATHER.

GUS: Shawn. Tell me you did not just make my wedding vaguely incestuous.

SHAWN: [scratches head] Weird, when he and I ran through it earlier his delivery was a lot more natural. It had depth, you know? For a second I really thought he _was_ my father. I think the fame's going to his head. [Goes to press button again.]

GUS: [glaring] I will kill you.

SHAWN: Okay, okay. [Inhales, raising arms, and exhales loudly, dropping them. Does a quick demi-plie.] Gus, you know I think you're awesome. And even though I'm per-- persephone-- persecuting-- paddywacking--

GUS: Perseverating.

SHAWN: Yes, that. I don't care if I'm xylophoning, because I love you like a thing that loves a lovable thing a whole lot. You're the Tubbs to my Crockett, dude, the Clyde to my Bonnie, the Bert to my Ernie. The Michael Schoeffling to my Molly Ringwald.

RABBI: The ring, please.

LASSITER: [steps forward, hands Shawn ring]

SHAWN: [slips ring onto Gus' finger] And I just want this to remind you that it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing. You're right there with me.

[Shawn pulls out a cake with sixteen lit candles burning and holds it out between himself and Gus. Gus laughs, blows out the candles, and they kiss.]

RABBI: I now pronounce you--

[Gunshot goes off.]

GUS [ducked out of frame]: Shawn! You promised me you'd stop investigating the crazy killer!

SHAWN: Oops.

[END EXCERPT]

* * *

Some bonus deleted scenes [here](http://trascendenza.dreamwidth.org/9412.html) and a semi-sequel snippet [here](http://trascendenza.dreamwidth.org/16629.html#tearful_eye).


End file.
